We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good.
Do we have to know who’s gay and who’s straight? Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?
I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.
People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.
So be who you really are. Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
Jazz isn’t dead. It just smells funny.