Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
I’d far rather be happy than right any day.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world’s original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.
When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.
Brevity is the soul of wit.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
What fresh hell is this?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.