Don't believe anything you read on the net. Except this. Well, including this, I suppose.
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
It's never just a game when you're winning.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.
I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.
Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words.
If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?