Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
You grow up the day you have the first real laugh at yourself.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
People ask me if I could fly, I said, ‘yes... for a little while.’
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Once the travel bug bites there is no known antidote, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.
Mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.