If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.
Youth is wasted on the young.
Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been.
If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
You only go around once, but if you play your cards right, once is enough.
When you say ‘I wrote a program that crashed Windows,’ people just stare at you blankly and say ‘Hey, I got those with the system, for free.’
Every time I see some piece of medical research saying that caffeine is good for you, I high-five myself. Because I’m going to live forever.
I want my office to be quiet. The loudest thing in the room – by far – should be the occasional purring of the cat.
I have an ego the size of a small planet.
Nobody actually creates perfect code the first time around, except me. But there’s only one of me.
My philosophy is: If you can’t have fun, there’s no sense in doing it.
You can’t fix stupid.
Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.
What you see is what you get.
If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it.
Laziness is a programmer’s main virtue.